E345: Networking for Socially Awkward People

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Allissa Haines:

Hey everyone. Welcome to the Massage Business Blueprint podcast, where we help you attract more clients, make more money and improve your quality of life. I am Allissa Haines.

Michael Reynolds:

And I am Michael Reynolds.

Allissa Haines:

And we're your hosts, we're delighted you can be with us today. I had a quesadilla with some avocado for breakfast and I am feeling alive and alert and awake and enthusiastic. Michael, how are you feeling?

Michael Reynolds:

Wow. Yeah, you just sound ready to go. I do not have breakfast because I don't get hungry until 11:00 o'clock, so I have not eaten yet and I'm feeling okay in general. I feel like you're carrying the energy today, so I'm here for it.

Allissa Haines:

Wow. I wake up at 4:00 in the morning, starving as if I have not eaten in three days. Hats off to you too.

Michael Reynolds:

A lot of people do, I've noticed that. I wake up and I'm just not hungry. If I eat, I'm like, I feel yucky. About 11:00 o'clock I usually get hungry. I have either a snack or lunch at that point and then I'm good to go.

Allissa Haines:

Well, now we know.

Michael Reynolds:

Yeah, just kind of how my body works.

Allissa Haines:

Weekly roundup, the what we've been reading. This is just going to be me. Michael's carrying our topic today, which is going to be really fun and I am going to carry this weekly roundup and I'm going to try to not make it too long.

Allissa Haines:

There's a lot going on in the news this week in the wake of the shootings in Atlanta at the three massage establishments and there's a lot tied into it. We didn't talk about it last week because we record on Wednesday mornings and that event had only happened Tuesday and we just didn't have any information and I wasn't ready to address it. But in the week since, I've gotten a few emails from people, a few private messages, I've participated in a few conversations online in various massage groups and communities and there's a lot to be said about this intersection of massage and sex work and race and violence. And I am not going to pretend to say really much of it at all.

Allissa Haines:

I have three little notes that I want to add because it is they're the themes that I'm seeing come up most frequently and incorrectly. And then I'm just going to have in the podcast, in the show notes, some resources of things that I have read that I have found very helpful in thinking about how I feel about this and what I should or shouldn't be saying. And I do want to preface this with, I don't really think I should be saying much about this. And I've seen a lot of colleagues say, "I feel like I need to make a statement of some kind." And I got to tell you, I think it's okay if you don't. I think it's okay if you listen and specifically listen to Asian voices.

Allissa Haines:

The three things that I'm seeing incorrectly included in arguments is this feeling that massage therapists are better than sex workers. Massage therapists are not better than sex workers, period. If you find yourself insulted when someone uses the word masseuse because you think they are inferring you are a sex worker or if you find yourself viscerally insulted when someone asks, if you provide happy endings, you have some issues to work through. I'm not insulted once and I used to be. I got to tell you, this is something that I really had to work through earlier in my career. I used to be viscerally disgusted and insulted when someone asked if I gave happy endings, whether it was a joke or not. I was never insulted, if someone asked if I did occupational therapy. But that is an issue where we have to examine ourselves and wonder why we think we're better than sex workers. Because if you think you are or you are viscerally insulted, when someone presumes you have a problem and it should be examined.

Allissa Haines:

Now, the next thing that I found is this assumption that all sex workers are victims of human trafficking. And that is not correct. Of course human trafficking is a huge problem but not all sex workers are victims of human trafficking. There are sex workers who choose to be sex workers. Yes, there are issues of poverty and opportunity to be discussed here. There's certainly conversation to be had about why someone may choose sex work. Is it truly of their own free will? Is it truly that they enjoy the profession? Or is it that they have no other options? That's a conversation to be had. But if your conversation about sex work and massage always defaults to saving the human trafficked people, it's incomplete and naive. There is a lot more to that than anyone who is performing sex work is forced to do so by someone else or even by a situation.

Allissa Haines:

And the final thought here is you can't remove race or racism or gender or sexism from any of the conversations about the violence in Atlanta at these massage establishments. Race is absolutely a factor when we talk about sex work in relation to massage, I'm air quoting this, parlors. Our culture has a real fetishization problem with Asian women and you cannot say this isn't about race. This guy already said it was because he was a sex addict and he was trying to remove temptation. You cannot remove race or gender, violence towards women. Blaming women, specifically blaming Asian women who again, have been fetishized in our culture as sexual objects and subjugated sexual objects. You cannot separate that. If any part of your conversation about this violent incident says, "It's not about race," you need to step back because you are making a really common, but not acceptable error in your thinking.

Allissa Haines:

Those are the three things that I have found most frustrating in watching conversations online is thinking that we're better than sex workers, the assumption that all sex workers are being forced to do so and this concept that we can separate the race and the sexism from this particular violent act. Those are the things that I have caught myself in those things, not just in this situation, but in previous conversations. Let's make sure we're being a little more mindful of that.

Allissa Haines:

And some ways we can learn more and be mindful are to read. Now, I am recommending two non-Asian sources, our friend Meg Donnelley put together a really beautiful blog post that is really just a thoughtful examination barely. She doesn't expand too much on her own thoughts here, but provides a bunch of resources for us to read more about violence against Asian and Asian women in sex work. And I will put the link to that in our show notes. And also Healwell, Cal Kates of Healwell has written a really wonderful thought experiment on this. I don't know, a really wonderful blog post. And I believe by the time we publish this episode, there will be a second blog post about this particular topic that goes even deeper into it. I will put links to Meg's website and the Cal Kates Healwell posts in our show notes.

Allissa Haines:

And then when you check the show notes, you're going to see four more articles and authors cited. The first is R.O. Kwon and I linked to their Twitter. I follow a lot of authors on Twitter and I came to R.O. Kwan from some other, Nicole Chung, who I'll talk about in a minute. R.O. Kwan wrote for Vanity Fair, a really lovely article called A Letter to My Fellow Asian Women Whose Hearts are Still Breaking. It is not a letter. It is not written for us as white people or non-Asian, whatever your identity might be there, but it is something we should read and listen to and think on because we need to be listening to Asian voices, obviously.

Allissa Haines:

The next author is Nicole Chung who wrote All We Can Ever Know, which is a beautiful memoir about her experience as being Asian and being adopted into a white family in the Pacific Northwest and her upbringing in that way. I follow her on Twitter. I have for a while. She has a lovely little, they got a yellow lab puppy, a pandemic puppy and she's wonderful to follow if only for pictures of Peggy. Anyhow, Nicole Chung wrote for Time Magazine. It's got a long title, My White Adoptive Parents Struggled to See Me as Korean. Would They Have Understood My Anger at the Rise in Anti-Asian Violence. Again, thoughtful from a perspective that we need to hear. You should read it.

Allissa Haines:

The next one is Dr. Jennifer Ho wrote, To be an Asian Woman in America. And it was really insightful in learning about that fetishization and the subjugation and the assumptions we make about Asian women and Asian care practitioners even.

Allissa Haines:

And then the next one, which I found and this is the last one I promise, was actually the most interesting to me and kind of affected me the most deeply was written by Jean Chen Ho and she wrote about Sex Work is Care Work. And she wrote about, when she tweeted about it she said an article about the Asian women who I let touch me. And this has a lot to do with massage and how we are care workers and how sex work is a form of care work. And she talks about, the women who microblade her eyebrows and provide facials and how we have been so touched starved in the past year or two. And it's a big deal and I thought that this particular article that I read last night kind of moved me the most in relationship to how we need to think about massage and sex work.

Allissa Haines:

That's it, all of these links will be in the show notes. That's what I have been reading and thinking about. I don't want to get any more emails telling me that I should talk about this because this is a terrible situation and sex workers make massage practices more dangerous for all of us and I don't want to get any emails or hear any feedback that inherently blames sex workers for the situation that massage finds itself in. Don't send me those emails, please. I have responded politely to a few of them. I won't be responding to any more, but if you feel like I've missed something or there's a resource you want me to share in the future, I hope that you will send that to me at podcast@massagebusinessblueprint.com. And that is what I have to say about that. Michael, who's our spot? I don't know if you have anything to add or if you just want to go right to our sponsor.

Michael Reynolds:

My default, I'm trying to make more and more my default as a privileged white man to do lots of listening. I'm listening. Thank you for that. Yes, our sponsor is Jojoba.

Allissa Haines:

Hey thanks, Jojoba for sticking with us, even though I carry heavy topics sometimes. The Jojoba Company is the only company in the world that carries 100% pure first press quality Jojoba. We are just so delighted to partner with them and I will tell you that I was texting with a massage friend last night and she has not been open for the full year and she was just saying she's got to place an order for products because a whole bunch of her products went rancid. And I thought, hey, if you had had Jojoba, nothing would be rancid. It doesn't go rancid. It does not contain triglycerides like other products so it won't go bad. And that's also what makes Jojoba a really nice carrier for essential oils, because you can add some of your essential oil into that eight ounce bottle of Jojoba with the little pump and you can know that the oil is not going to go nasty and wreck your essential oils that were probably very expensive.

Allissa Haines:

Also, Jojoba is non-allergenic. I can use it on any client and every client without being afraid of some kind of allergic response, which is a big deal when you're working on medically fragile and or pregnant people and anyone really. You and my friends, can get 20% off all the time if you shop through our link at massagebusinessblueprint.com/jojoba and they have a wonderful new website, you should check out.

Michael Reynolds:

I feel like you just created a new hashtag for Jojoba, if you had Jojoba, #ifyouhadjojoba it would not be rancid.

Allissa Haines:

If you had been listening to Allissa for the past five and a half years, you would have Jojoba.

Michael Reynolds:

That's a hashtag in itself for many people.

Allissa Haines:

Yeah. It really is. But I'm trying not to do told you so stuff. I just flipped to the wrong episode of podcast notes.

Michael Reynolds:

That's okay.

Allissa Haines:

Let me go back.

Michael Reynolds:

I can tell you where we are if you want.

Allissa Haines:

We are about to hit our main discussion that Michael is covering today. Michael, take it away.

Michael Reynolds:

All right. Today we're covering networking for a socially awkward people. A lot of people bring this up in discussions and office hours, stuff like that and we thought it'd be fun to talk over and really it's going to be, it's not a super organized, super outlined thing. It's more of just kind of a discussion about some things I've learned over the years in my networking. And I'm as many people know, as Allissa knows, I am really into networking. I think networking is a super good way to grow your business, to meet new clients, just to market your business in general. And so I'm a huge fan of networking, but I know that not everyone enjoys it, not everyone has kind of the same enthusiasm and it can be very scary and awkward for many people.

Michael Reynolds:

And side note, you may be surprised to know that I'm somewhat introverted when it comes to networking and I've struggled with a lot of these things personally as well. May not seem like it because I'm like, oh, networking is awesome. But I do struggle with a lot of stuff and head trash around networking also. I'm going to kind of talk through some of that.

Michael Reynolds:

Networking for socially awkward people like me actually. Networking takes a lot of different forms and it's sort of a catch all phrase for many things, but I want to start with just kind of an idea around what it is. I want to state, first of all, that my opinion is that networking is not sleazy or salesy when it's done with honor, so to speak. I'm kind of playfully using that word, but a lot of people think of networking as hey, guys in suits with business cards, pushing their service at you and just being salesy and stuff. And yeah, there is some of that. You'll find that. But to me, networking is not that. Networking is creating relationships and helping other people create relationships and connections. That's really what it's about.

Michael Reynolds:

And those connections help people in their business. They help you, they help other people and that's really what it comes down to in my opinion, is networking is helping to create positive connections in business. That's what it should be to me anyway. If we think of that as our mindset with networking, I think that gets rid of hopefully a whole lot of head trash right off the bat, because we don't want to think of networking as, hey, we're going to go sell ourselves to people or pitch our service to people or tell everyone what a great massage therapist you are and hope someone signs up. That's not what it's about. It's really about participating in a system that is generating positive connection.

Michael Reynolds:

Another thing is networking is not just for extroverts. A lot of people think that, hey, networking is just for people that are loud and outgoing and love being around people and that's not me. I'm kind of introverted. I don't know how to do small talk very well. I just feel awkward. Here's the thing. The extroverts are just the loudest. If you go to a networking event, yeah, you'll see the extroverts, they're the loudest. They're the ones you notice, but there are lots of introverted people and ambiverts and people with different kinds of levels of comfort with socialization that they have a lot of success with networking. It can be something you can learn and kind of get better at.

Michael Reynolds:

I don't want you to feel like, hey, if I'm not this outgoing social butterfly extrovert, networking's not for me. That's not the case at all. Anybody can get good at this. And there are lots of socially awkward extroverts that are big networkers as well. I remember my BNI days, there were some of the loudest people said some of the most awkward things in my group and it's okay. We all are in this together and figuring it out. And so anyway, so there are certain types of contexts and environments with networking that I think are better for people that are a little more introverted and again, kind of socially awkward like me.

Michael Reynolds:

The freeform mixer events are really problematic. I hate them. For me personally, I tend to avoid those. I'm not a fan of the chamber events where it's like, hey, it's an after hours mixer. You're going to come bring your business cards and you're going to meet people and speed dating and blah, blah. When I say speed dating, I mean speed dating in a business context. That they call it speed dating but it's meeting a bunch of business owners all at once and adding a few questions and moving on and it's kind of a thing they do sometimes or maybe it's even more free form. Maybe it's just like, hey, we're going to have some appetizers at an after hours thing and it's really just people standing around talking.

Michael Reynolds:

That's my nightmare. I hate that. If I show up to an event like that, my energy level just plummets because I'm just drained. I find three people that I struggle to talk to and then I leave. I hate those events. Some people are really good at them and that's fine. I am not. And I'm okay with the fact that I am not. I avoid those types of events. I just know that if it's a very unstructured freeform kind of free for all networking mixer kind of thing, I'm not going to go. It's just not going to be useful for me. I want to give you permission to just take that off your list if you're like me and you don't want to deal with that.

Michael Reynolds:

On the flip side, to me structure is my friend. I really seek out events that have structure. Some examples of structured events are it's hard to talk about networking without mentioning BNI and it's got a lot of positive and negative connotations, but BNI is a very structured event. It is a weekly event, it has a consistent structure. You have an agenda, you know exactly what you're supposed to do. The meeting moves along in a certain way and you could go there and not have to make any small talk and you could be a successful participant in the meeting. And there are many events and groups like BNI. There's BNI knock offs, there's chamber events, there's general just kind of pop up networking events that have a certain structure and many are virtual still, obviously. And those I really gravitate toward and more and more we're going to get back to in person networking.

Michael Reynolds:

The vaccine is rolling out, we're seeing a lot more in person events kind of starting to get planned. I think we're not too far off from feeling like we can safely do some limited in person networking events and more and more as time goes on. BNI chapters are going to go back from virtual to in person, I think. We're going to have a lot more live physical events and things like that. I really seek out structure. And so when I'm looking for events that have that kind of structure, I'm looking for, okay, is there an agenda? Are there ways I can participate and preplan my participation without having to come up with a bunch of small talk, that's the kind of stuff I'm looking for.

Michael Reynolds:

Now, there's a lot of hybrid events as well, a lot of mixtures. There's a lot of events where it's like, hey, there's kind of a structure, but then there's an open component to it as well. And if I do find myself in a situation where there's kind of an open freeform component, there are some ways I have a survival kit for myself to deal with those kinds of things. I want to prep kind of my own format in the event that I am expected to kind of mix and make small talk. One thing is I want to be sure I'm ready to tell people what I do and what's my business and what am I doing? And that's useful for any event. If you're at a BNI chapter or a freeform event, I want to be ready to tell people what I do. This is kind of prepping your business explanation or your elevator pitch.

Michael Reynolds:

This is telling people very quickly and succinctly, what does he do? Hey, I'm a massage therapist practicing in this area. I work with a lot of people that have tennis elbow and traveling business people, whatever your thing is that you want to focus on, say that really quickly. And I'd love referrals to people that are XYZ and really have a short, quick kind of explanation, ready to say to people who ask, "Hey, what do you do?" Be sure you can say what you do, know what to ask for, be clear and concise.

Michael Reynolds:

Now beyond that, if you find yourself in one to one conversations, I like to have some questions really ready to ask to make sure I'm not trying to stumble over small talk. For me, one of the best things that I've found to handle one to one conversations is to take an interest in the other person as your primary objective. Have questions ready to ask people. For example, one question I like to ask is, "Hey, how did you get into your current business? What's the hardest thing about your work? What's the most rewarding thing about your work? What's the ideal client for you?" And a good catch all is, "Hey, tell me about your family."

Michael Reynolds:

Just stuff that you can find out about other people is really good. This has a nice side effect of making you be really popular with people because they like talking about themselves and you're the person that let them talk about themselves. You're going to hit it off really well. Asking questions to other people and having kind of some pre-planned questions is a really good way to over the awkwardness and kind of forget about your own awkwardness and focus on other people and help them feel good and positive as well.

Michael Reynolds:

Also take notes. Taking notes really helps me because that gives you an action to take. You don't feel awkward with, hey, what do I do? Okay, I can take notes. I can write down stuff. And it helps you remember information as well that you can follow up with. And it also helps the other person feel important. If you're taking notes when they're answering your questions, they feel like, oh, this person actually cares about learning about me and you're probably going to stand out and look more interesting than other people they're talking to. That's a great way to build connections as well.

Michael Reynolds:

Also remember other people are likely to feel awkward too. Networking events aren't great for everybody. Probably half the people there feel just like you. They feel uncomfortable. They don't really know what to do. Seek those people out. If you're at an event or some kind of environment where you're feeling uncomfortable, look around for other people that also feel uncomfortable and maybe talk to them first. Even say it out loud, "Hey, like I'm not great at these things. What do you do when you're at these events?" And just kind of laugh and commiserate to the fact that you're both kind of uncomfortable about it and that can break the ice. Be a host and seek out people that look like they're struggling as well and maybe help them feel included and that can really take the pressure off you and also help people while you're doing that.

Michael Reynolds:

Yeah, focusing on other people is a big thing for me as well. And I also want to just also say, don't give up. Again, I think that we're going to see a lot of in person events coming back. A lot of massage therapists aren't really doing a lot of networking even before COVID, it wasn't a really popular marketing outlet for a lot of people in wellness in general. And so I think there is room for massage therapists to really make networking a strong part of your marketing strategy. And I encourage you to be persistent and don't give up. Find events that work for you. Find the ones that kind of align with your energy and your comfort level and the way you like to interact with people and find the ones that are best for you. And it might take some time. Might take going to a bunch of different events, maybe trying out a bunch of different groups, maybe a mix of virtual and in person, but don't give up. It takes a lot of time to find the right networking environment for you, but it really pays off.

Michael Reynolds:

If you're really persistent and you really find the right environment for you and you kind of follow these, maybe some of these examples or examples of your own, that help you overcome some of the awkwardness, it can really generate a lot of business. As we kind of get back to work and kind of open things up again, I encourage you to take another look at networking. And I would be remiss if I didn't also point out that we have an audio course, if you can't get enough of my voice, then there's an audio course that I did in the community, in our private community, that kind of talks about how to approach networking in a more kind of course driven systematic way as well. That's kind of what I got on networking for a socially awkward people like me and I'd love to hear your thoughts, Allissa, and anything that you would add.

Allissa Haines:

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you mentioned the course because I listened to it before I joined a networking group a couple years ago, and it really, really helped me and I only stuck with the networking group for a year. It just wasn't the best fit for me, but I didn't suck at it. And I felt more and more comfortable as it went along and I've moved my office to a different area. I don't know how busy I'm going to be post vaccination for everybody. I don't know who all of my clients are going to come back and who aren't and if I'm going to have empty spots in my schedule, so I've really been thinking about, am I going to need to join a networking group? This is timely and I appreciate it.

Allissa Haines:

And I got to say, the most helpful part for me is when you teach to look around for someone else who is alone and or uncomfortable, who's standing by themselves. And for me, I do best if I just walk up to them and say, "Can I stand here with you so I don't feel awkward over there by myself?"

Michael Reynolds:

I love that.

Allissa Haines:

And you can usually tell if someone's awkward and even if they're not someone who's visibly nervous, if they're by themselves, it's easy to go talk to somebody. I have trouble skulking up to a group of two or three people who are talking to each other and just feeling awkward standing there, but walking up to one person tends to not be too terrible. And that, and also going to the bathroom and spending a long time there if I'm nervous.

Michael Reynolds:

That works too.

Allissa Haines:

That also works.

Michael Reynolds:

Been there.

Allissa Haines:

Yeah. But thank you. This is really helpful. It's something that we all need and I got to tell you, the massage therapists I know who joined a structured networking group, they all do really well. They all build their business to fullness faster than anyone else I know. It really works. I don't have anything else to say, do you, Michael?

Michael Reynolds:

No, I think we're good. Yeah. Yeah. Our next sponsor is Acuity, our favorite online scheduling tool.

Allissa Haines:

Yeah, man. They are your online assistant working 24/7 to fill your schedule. You don't have to play phone tag, which is awesome. Clients can just view your real time availability. For me this is really good for boundaries, because if someone's like, "Hey, do you have Wednesday?" I can be like, "No, click here to see what I do have. I hope something works for you." Instead of being like, "I don't work Wednesdays." Or, "No, I'm not going to work until 12:00 PM for you or 12:00 AM for you." It's a really good way for me to hold my boundaries without feeling weird or guilty about that. Here's the link, make your appointment.

Allissa Haines:

You can eliminate no shows because they have email and or text reminders. It'll sync with your Google or Office 365 or iCloud or Outlook or whatever your family calendars are. It's great. I actually have my Acuity calendar. It imports into the family calendar, but it just says busy so Walt knows if I have clients scheduled because there's just a block there that says busy. He knows to not call me at that time or not plan some thing I need to be part of at that time on those days. That is part of why I like Acuity. I lost my space in my notes here, but you my friend, can get a special 45 day free offer when you sign up today and you can check that out at massagebusinessblueprint.com/acuity.

Michael Reynolds:

All Right.

Allissa Haines:

What's your quick tip, Michael? I don't have one, but you do.

Michael Reynolds:

I do have one. All right. My quick tip is be aware of the latest scam going around. It is the illegal stock photos scam. I've gotten a few emails from people asking me, "Hey, is this real? Is this a scam?" And so I want to share that it probably is a scam, because if you have gotten a message, they usually come through your website contact form. If you have a message coming through your website contact form and it's very dramatic, and it says, "We found unauthorized illegal stock photos and we're going to sue you," blah, blah. And it asks you to click on a link. I think it's usually a Google Drive link, but it says, "Hey, click on this link to see the copyright infringement or to see the case against you," or whatever. Do not click the link. It is a scam. It is designed to get your money and put nefarious software on your computer. Anyway, don't click or do anything. Just ignore it.

Michael Reynolds:

Now, if you're unsure. Now, there are cases where if you really are using illegal stock photos, the stock photo sites will send you a cease and desist and try and get some money out of you. But those usually look different. They take a very different form. They give you an example of the specific infringement and a PDF document. It's very clear. It looks more official, but if you're getting one of these dramatic, "Hey, illegal stock photos, click here," and it looks kind of suspicious, it's probably this latest scam. If you're unsure and you do get one of those, feel free to forward it to us, podcast@massagebusinessblueprint.com, we will take a look and we will say, "Yep, this is a scam," and confirm for you. If you'd like us to put a second pair of eyes on it and set your mind at ease. Watch out for that.

Allissa Haines:

And you know what? I do have a thing, because this reminded me, I have been getting a whole bunch of emails via the contact form on my massage practice website that are important notice termination of your domain with an invoice number and attention regarding your domain, absolutely necessary, terminating your domain, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it comes from some info@domainregistrationcorp.com. There's a handful of companies that do this. They try to scam you into renewing your domain with them instead of your actual domain provider. If you get an email from one of these ridiculous domain registration places, just look at it and go, wait a minute. My domain is registered through Google Domains or through GoDaddy or through whatever. This email is not relevant to me and then delete it. And that's what I have to say about domain registration stuff.

Michael Reynolds:

Nice. Good tip.

Allissa Haines:

All right. That's all we have today. And yeah, let me tell you that if you have questions, you can send them to us at podcast@massagebusinessblueprint.com. That email goes to both Michael and I and one or both of us will always respond. Again, don't email me stuff about sex workers being responsible for everything wrong in the massage industry. I just want to emphasize that again, because I'm probably going to get a few emails. And thanks for listening. If you find us helpful, tell a massage colleague about us and show them how to listen to podcasts on their device or their computer even. If you have questions or you want to become a Massage Business Blueprint premium member, you can check that out at our website, massagebusinessblueprint.com. We have a growing community of wonderful, thoughtful, practicing massage therapists and maybe you could be one of them. That's all we have to say. Have a really good, productive whatever day.

Michael Reynolds:

Thanks everyone.

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Episode 345

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